Day 4

Fight for Optimism

Let's be honest- nobody likes to be with someone who is constantly complaining. Constantly venting. Constantly ungrateful or just in the dumps. I've been that friend before. I've had a lot of those friends before. YES! we all need the friends who stick with up during those seasons of brattyness or of confusion and sadness. I will never discount a friend who is persistent in getting out of the "hard places" in life. Sometimes it's just really hard to get out if it! However, if it turns out to be more than a brief period of negativity and you find your own personal morale heading south every time you talk with this person, don't be afraid to put some distance between you. Draw a boundary! They are oh-so-healthy!  Sitting around and commiserating = not healthy. Sitting around and pointing out the negatives in a situation or another person = not healthy. So seeking balanced friends who bring out the best in you= healthy. 

From experience, I've had some pretty intense Negative Nancies around and I found myself  being more and more negative, sad, annoyed and just, well..nasty to be around. Granted, we are all going to have our days where we are the negative friend. We will be walking through times of despair or confusion. We need the aid of a focused friend with fresh perspective to confide in.   Thank God for friends who are patient, loving, who pray with us and stick with us through these moments and seasons! But realize this:  if negativity has become a way of life for you, you assume the worse and see the down side of everything, chances are  you might also find yourself  lonely and without company. Seeking to be lifted out of the mental, emotional and spiritual mire that comes with bad times is different than sinking in and wallowing in the mud of despair. Know that it is a fine line. Seek counsel, prayer and move on out of it, sister! Otherwise, you just put a force field of "blah" between you and others. And that's not fun to deal with.

 Now, for the people who tend to be the positive person, hang in there. Hopefully you are surrounded by others who keep their negativeness to a minimum and are counting their blessings purely for counting blessings sake. Continue to be filling your heart and mind with scripture to take your own thoughts captive, to know truth to combat the lies that our enemy so often projects into our minds.Very often, our enemy does it through those we love the most which has always baffled me but it makes PERFECT sense.  Surround yourself with other positive people. If you find yourself having a hard day, ask for prayer. I think when someone chooses to be vulnerable enough to say they are having a hard time but show that they want to get out of that hard place, it's very respectable. Being positive keeps up on our guard so that when we are approached with a problem or a situation with a friend, we are more clear and true in our thought processes and can better lead them to Truth.

 I know I've had a lot of hard spiritual, mental, emotional battles that took a while to fight. Those who stood beside me and supported me were a God-send. Keep loving on your friend, if that is the case. Hold her hands up.  Find another friend to share the burden with too. We all need faithful, positive friends to hold us up during intense battle with our enemy!

For example..

Joshua did what Moses ordered in order to fight Amalek. And Moses, Aaron, and Hur went to the top of the hill. It turned out that whenever Moses raised his hands, Israel was winning, but whenever he lowered his hands, Amalek was winning. But Moses' hands got tired. So they got a stone and set it under him. He sat on it and Aaron and Hur held up his hands, one on each side. So his hands remained steady until the sun went down. Joshua defeated Amalek and its army in battle.  Exodus 17:10-13

Now, I'm not saying you always have to be on your a-game and are never justified in breaking down but I am saying this, if it's a trend where you are always up and down, more negative days than not, find someone to talk with about this, pray for mental and emotional redirection and renewing in this area and  find the friends that will hold your hands up and keep you accountable during this battle for optimism. Then: FIGHT!  

Day 3

Be OK With Balance

As with anything, balance is best.  But what do I mean by balanced friendship?

Let me explain:

A friendship that both of you get to talk equally. Not one person dominates more than the other. You both are asking questions, answering questions. You aren't demanding all of the persons time to consider it a good friendship, they don't expect you to drop everything for them. Seeing them every day for a week straight may not be healthy for both of you so learn to balance your together time with your apart time and you will learn to value both! Chances are, your friends will have other friends. That's normal. If not, then there could be reasons for that :)

Don't get territorial. That's a sign of co-dependency.  And that is a slippery slope fo' sho'I talk about codependency a lot becuase I am an ex codependent. It was a hard thing to break out of! But with lots of prayer and counseling, I am achieving balance in that area. It's freeeeeeeing! Yay! 

 If you don't sense a balance in a certain friendship then re-evaluate, pray about it, take some time and see if it's something you can work on. If not, this might not be the time to pursue this friendship. Healthy relationships are what we want! A friend who initiates once in a while, who celebrates your differences  and seeks balance, that's a friend to hold onto!

Day 2

Embracing Differences

Chances are, unlike high school, most of the people you will hang around with will not be just exactly like you. And that's ok. In fact, I think it's preferrable that way! What a multifaceted person you become when you hang out with a diverse group of friends. Differences are what make things interesting. I guess, for some, the struggle comes with not knowing what to discuss or not being able to settle on what to do that is mutally fun for both. Maybe you feel like you have to convince them to believe just as you do in order to be really good friends.
"Be careful, when you become so attached to your own opinions of what is right, that it prevents you from: Seeing another’s point of view… Imagining what it is like to walk in someone else’s shoes… Considering other possibilities and ideas." 
Finding common ground is fun, I think.  For some, it's pretty frustrating and they give up.
Do you know how much you have to talk with someone to find those things out? Sometimes it's not long but most times, you have to talk for a while to find out what you could both find equally exciting to talk about, go do, or experience.  In doing so, I think that that's where the bulk of friendship is formed. So, even if you don't ever find something to do that you both like, you have learned to enjoy each other's company and conversation. Ding! Friendship formed. And more than having a friend who is the same as you, you now have a friend that you can talk to. A friend you can talk to I mean, really talk to, is such a treasure.  When you learn to see things a different way, you get a chance to walk in someone else's shoes  and that's way better than being able to share shoes. Promise.

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Read my other blog, Misinterpretations for the full explanation about the friendship series!

Day 1

Today I start a series on friendship.

I explained it at length on my other blog, Misinterpretations. Check it out if you want to know the extended reason for the series!

Here's a blip:

"Friendship is a topic that is very dear to my heart because I love my friends. (that's simple enough). They are essential to my life. I was created to be in healthy relationships with people and I crave that... I will be sharing some of my opinions about friendship, some of my own personal struggles and learned lessons. I am not a psychologist. I am not a friendship guru. I am just someone who loves real relationships and craves to know my God better through them"

So here we go!

Initiate!

Ah! What an awkward word this can be. For some, it's an adventurous word. Truth: Some people are just naturally better at going out of their way to pursue a friendship or intiate hang out time. Whether you are good at it or not, that doesn't really matter. If you care about a friendship it's essential. One person can tend to do most of the intiating which is normal but it can be a bit tiring. If you aren't being reciprocated on in a friendship it could mean a couple of things. Either a.) the person is awkward at it and may even be clueless as to how to be a friend like this. b.) they could be quite self-centered. Ouch. No one likes to hear that though. Although it is many times  or. c.) maybe they have excuses for not initiating, such as, "I shouldn't have to, friendship should come naturally" or something more like " I don't like the person, therefore I don't initiate"  Touche! In that case, move on ;o)

This  "initiating" can be a tricky topic. Very tricky indeed.  

The Bible says this:

 And as you wish that others would do to you, do so to them.

Luke 6:31

 So, if you don't have [m]any, or are lacking in quality, maybe take an evaluation of what you are doing on your end to pursue relationship. Fear of rejection can be a powerful and stifling thing. Don't let it keep you from some of the amazing kindred experiences there may be out there in friendship land.

Yeah, there are those simple friendships that are easy. The ones where you instantly feel like you found part of yourself in another person  which is always comforting and easy.  It's not common though (we'll talk about those on another day). Most friendships take work.  Pursuing others who aren't just like you is great!.

 Initiate (and reciprocate!) even if it's awkward at first. Even if your efforts run into a dead end with some people, you'll find your rhythm.  Invite them to coffee, dinner. Compliment them. Encourage them Go shopping with them. Keep it simple.  

Those who have initiated friendship with me, are some of my favorite people. It speaks to their character..they are consistent, persistent. I love that in a friend!

So: "don't hate, initiate!" It's my new friendship mantra..

Friendship isn't a big thing - it's a million little things.  ~Author Unknown

Choosing to be still

I am having an overwhelmed moment.

Well, an overwhelmed couple of weeks.

The things that I am overwhelmed about are not fixable by stepping away and chilling out.

They aren't solved by reason.

They are real issues that I am incapable of doing anything about.

I don't talk to many people about these things because most of the responses I anticipate are "oh, it's just because you are pregnant" or "don't worry, I went through that when I was about to deliver"

and frankly that's not helpful at the moment.  And ironically most of the things on my heart and mind have nothing to do with my daughter or my upcoming debut as mother.

So when I have days and moments like this and I don't feel comfortable revealing my heart to anyone, I am forced to go to my Savior. I don't know why he is often the last person on my go-to list when I am overwhelmed but I am ashamed to admit, He is. I think of praying, I hope he hears my heart and mind but choosing to run to him, fall on him and actually ask for His help, I don't do by instinct just yet. Writing it out sounds so gross and non-Christian. But it's true. 

My mind races, my heart hurts, is uneasy is confused.

When in reality, when I am surrendered, those things are unnecessary.

When I choose to cast all of my overwhelmed-ness and my anxieties on him, he can then really care for me. Yes, he has a personal interest in me, no matter the status of my surrender  but

when I hold onto these things I think I put that wall up again, not allowing him to truly care for me, meet my needs, to lighten my load, to perform miraculous works.

Just another facet of the quest for surrender and reliance on Christ, I suppose. 

Be still, and know that I am God 

Psalm 46:10

Today I surrender my crazy mind and raw emotions.

I chose to know He is who He says He is and watch how He works.

I chose to be still.

Fresh out

Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.  Share with the Lord’s people who are in need. Practice hospitality.

Romans 12:12-13

I'm a pretty good listener, I would venture to say. And I am happy to listen to my friends and family who have hurting hearts, hard days or happy news. But sometimes instead of amazing words of  wisdom and encouragement  I sit there blank, speechless, without clever thoughts or inspiring verse.

Whether it's in crisis or in celebration, our words, our answers are incredibly important. Also, knowing that it's OK not to have the answers is just as important. 

It's easy to want to put a band-aid answer on most situations or try to come up with a magical word phrase formula that will rock their world. Trying to enlighten their mind, to change their thinking is not my job. Trying to fix it for them, I cannot do. I wish I could but I can't. 

You know, I wish that there was rolodex of answers and fixes that I could flip through labeled:

 "large life changes", "relationship issues", "self esteem" "anxiety" etc. and find the right words to say.

But there isn't.  

And what sounds good and is true for one person in the midst of trouble will not always be the same for another. Everyone's problems are different. Hurt hurts- that much is simple.  But it can be a very complex thing, hurt. And it's complexities are far beyond my pensive mind.

So when I hear things like:

What should I do, I can't pay this bill?!

Can you believe she said that to me?

My marriage relationship is in trouble.

I just don't know what to do. I'm overwhelmed.

Yikes! 

They aren't  "oops, I washed a pen in the laundry, how do I un-blue everything?" type of problems.

I realize the fix, wherever it is, is very far beyond me. 

I cannot conjur up change.

I cannot heal. 

I cannot manifest money or restoration with even the wisest and most experienced words.

As someone who has issues with vulnerability, (which I am trying to work on, and am asking God to change almost daily) I often do not ask these questions of others. I find it hard to reach out.

 I just mull.  I mull over and over in my mind, keeping these questions or  hurts to myself, wanting to find some glimmer of "fix" in my constant thinking, reasoning and rationalizing. I'd probably feel a lot lighter if I just got the words out, if I let myself be listened to. I'd probably be a lot freer if I just realized that no amount of  thinking will fix it.  My method isn't working either.

So how do we fix?

We don't.
This is what we do:

We brokenly collapse in front of our God asking for answers and for help.

We humbly lay down our minds at his feet realizing we cannot "think this one out".

We angrily question and throw a tantrum in His presence, hoping for release from the pain.

We let go of the possibility that there may be no explanations and no why's.

We pray:

Remember your word to your servant, 

   for you have given me hope. 

 My comfort in my suffering is this: 

   Your promise preserves my life. 

Psalm 119:49-50

While we are all in each other's lives to help and love, we cannot be the one's to offer the ultimate resolution. We cannot find our liberation and healing in another's company, friendship, words and advice.  Our own experiences can help others but they don't fix.

This is a humbling thing for me to realize but an oh-so-freeing fact.

This is beyond me.

(by 'this' I mean, everything)

So while I pray over the words I will minister to someone, and hope that my experiences will be used to help another, I realize that only my God is Healer, Restorer, Rewarder, Comforter, and  His words, living and true, are the only words that have the power to do ANYTHING in a hurting loved one's life.

This is where the cloud with a light bulb appears above my head.

'Pressure is off. But I must be ready.

There isn't a list of things I can do to be better at this.

It's as simple as being in the Bible and allowing my heart  to be saturated so that my mind is being renewed. A renewed mind is a remarkable help in time of need. A soul in constant contact with it's God is a comfort in conflict.

When a loved one calls with an ailing heart or a clouded head, what I do offer, will be more of my God and less of me when I am fresh out of my own words and full of His.

A word fitly spoken and in due season is like apples of gold in settings of silver

Proverbs 25:11

Me first

When you ask God to change you, he does.

This post doesn't flatter me at all.

In fact, it shows the bad side of my heart.  The side that is in constant struggle with who He has called me to be, who I really want to be.

So he's changing me..

There are the small ways. The ways that are subtle. I don't end up noticing until long after the change has occured. That's the easy way, I think.

This isn't the type of change I'm talking about though.

 Lately, I have noticed that when I talk to him about something needing to change in a certain situation and asking for that change to occur, he usually ends up working on me first, not the situation.

I have not been a fan of that so much.

To be honest, it's annoying.

It's uncomfortable.

And usually I am standing with a gaping mouth at the the "injustice" that is going on. Why isn't he changing this situation? What is wrong with some people?  Why all of the injustice? 

(When I refer to injustice here, I wish I was refering to social injustice, hunger, poverty etc. I'm not. I'm talking about the issues in my own little world and in the world of those around me.)

So I stand with my mouth wide open (usually in confusion), hands shaking at God, completely annoyed at the situation wondering what is really going on, not really realizing or valuing what he is wanting to do in me first. He could very well be wondering what the heck is up with me and be very annoyed with me and my actions.  Thank you God, for new mercies EVERY morning.
I sure have been needing them lately.

I'm not super spiritual, if you haven't gathered that already by the above paragraphs. But I do know that in my heart, as the Holy Spirit speaks to me, this is not the right way to be thinking.

Oh, I can say the right things like "Let's just pray about it and hope God does a great change" but then I walk away from said prayer and allow myself to think "This is so stupid. I just wish things were  different". I get very frustrated with how others choose to use the resources and blessings they have but in doing this I hear the voice of the Holy Spirit, which is usually stifled and softened by my loud thoughts of complaining and of a busy mind, saying " Relax!  Stop it! You have your own issues. When you wish things away, you misuse your blessings. Let me worry about them. I love that person. I love you. Rest in me and just learn to love them like I have loved you." 

This is the hard part.
He's not a genie, He's God.
Sovereignty takes time.

*tremendous sigh*

"You asked for change", you say.

Well, I didn't mean like this. 

But since our God is gracious and rich in mercy, He ministers to me first before just handing out answers to my prayers for change so that I can be a better wife, friend, leader, mother and I resist so strongly sometimes. Why is this? Why do I tend to be so aware of other's situations but I ashamedly neglect my own state of affairs? 

Then I am gently reminded:

"Don't pick on people, jump on their failures, criticize their faults— unless, of course, you want the same treatment. That critical spirit has a way of boomeranging. It's easy to see a smudge on your neighbor's face and be oblivious to the ugly sneer on your own. Do you have the nerve to say, 'Let me wash your face for you,' when your own face is distorted by contempt? It's this whole traveling road-show mentality all over again, playing a holier-than-thou part instead of just living your part. Wipe that ugly sneer off your own face, and you might be fit to offer a washcloth to your neighbor. 

Matthew 7:1

Well, then!

Certainly none of us (I) am not this bad!?  Really, who is?  I mean, I'm not "picking" on them. I just talk about how I want them to be different all of the time. 

Oh wait..

When I choose to criticize others whether in my mind or with my mouth I am playing a part, not living out my faith. That hurts not only me to hear it but I am sure it hurts my God to see it.

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things. Philppians 4:8

I need to be thinking about these things and not thinking about what needs to be different by my standards.

I must be aware of my thoughts!

I must be aware of the state of my own heart!

I must be aware of what God's word says about loving others well!

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

 Love never fails.

1 Corinthians 13:4-8a

I must be aware of my words!

I must be aware of God's will in my moment to moment!

I. must. be. aware.

And I must do it.

I must be aware and willing for change to occur in my heart first.

I am incapable of loving, truly loving, without His help.
That is a harsh reality I am facing.

I am a pretty self- aware person but it is coming to my attention that when it comes to matters in my heart that need attention and purging, I am not so introspective. I like to overlook those parts that will require discomfort or humbling.

 To be so introspective would hurt!
 It does.
To be real with my faults might reveal my weaknesses.  
It will.
When I am really honest I am vulnerable and that could be scary.
 It is.

If you love learning, you love the discipline that goes with it— how shortsighted to refuse correction! 

Proverbs 12:1

I'm not a big fan of correction, I'll be honest.

So to love the discipline part,well, that takes some supernatural power from my God.

So I asked for change. And now, I am experiencing the growing pains of learning to "love the discipline that goes with it".

This is something he is constantly working on in me.

It's been one of the harder lessons so far.

I would like to pass this with flying colors. Most days I feel like I am failing.

I would still like for some others to change without me having to do the hard part too.

But I understand that:

God disciplines those he loves, 

as a father the son he delights in.

Proverbs 3:12

Sometimes, that means he deals with me first.