Remembering to Forget

At the beginning of the year I posted a blog called I Perceive It.  It's based off of the scripture Isaiah 43:18-19.  Back in November and December of last year this passage came to my attention. It came to my attention at a time where I was experiencing great loss, I was physically feeling worse than I ever had, I was wrestling with things in my marriage, friendships, life patterns etc.  It came at a time when I was thinking of the past a lot.  A LOT.  And, overall,  just doing too much thinking.  I was just doing lots of reminiscing. That can be good and can be bad.  And I did find myself in the thought space more often than I would like to admit, of "why did this happen? Is there a reason? Why, why why?" 

So just in time, with only the promptness that the  Holy Spirit has, the phrases "Forget the former things. Do not dwell on the past" got my attention and got it good.

Thus the lengthy blog back in January.

I thought it was just going to be my 2012 anthem.

It sounds so new year-ish, doesn't it?

Forget the former things (2011 was a weird year for us in 5,000 ways)

Do not dwell on the past (Sweet! let's move on, we are ready, Lord!)

See! I am doing a new thing...(Yee haw! That has to mean, no more loss, no more unfortunate situations, right!?)

Now it springs up! (Oh! Spring! It's right around the corner. And God is ready to work NOW. Ready, set, go!)

I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland (This is what I blogged mostly about in January . I discerned His work correctly then, but I didn't see the much bigger scope of what that entailed)

These verses still look great on my chalkboard and I still read it several times a day. It hasn't gotten old. It's a "new thing" to me everyday. I don't think it will be erased anytime soon.

Today it schooled me yet again. Funny how you read something 100 times and the 101st time you palm-slap your forehead and are instantly enlightened.

That's the Word. Living and very active! 

Today it was the " Forget the former things" that got me.

Sometimes I like to remember. Actually I like to remember a lot. And I am exceptional at it. My first memory is of when I was 1. It's very vivid.  I remember details, colors, smells, dimensions, words... I remember well. It's rare that I use the excuse "I forgot" because rarely do I forget.  More so now that I have a baby but it's still not common.

I like to remember.

I mean, who doesn't?

Remembering and memories are what get me through.

Good times, certain smells, rituals and habits. Remembering helps me live. To savour. To enjoy.

Remembering can also destroy.

The injustices done to me or others.

The times when I ate crow. ( I think that's a funny idom)

The times when I share(d) too much.

The times when I look(ed) dumb.

Days when I feed into my insecurities.

Times when I shoo vulnerability away like it's the devil.

The words spoken to me that were unkind, judgmental.

The negative traits in someone, not the good.

 I like to remember the old things.

The "things of the flesh". These memories are something I can hold onto and feel justified with. They can be just as comforting as a familiar smell or song but the aftermath of remembering is not life. It's so ugly written down. But true.

It's also a nasty tell of my insecurity.

Thanks to Jesus and Beth Moore, that's getting worked right out of my heart in a serious way! I thank them both. See here.  The more I allow memories and thoughts into my heart that are not affirming of who I am in Christ, that are not encouraging of my mission as a Christian, that do not spur me onto love and good deeds, the more I die. When I remember and DWELL, I get myself into trouble.  I'm not saying to forget all things and discount the bad. Nope. That's what got me here, it's what made me who I am. Hopefully, I learned some lessons too.  But the dwelling and the holding on to the negative is not at all ok.  The more I dwell, the more the "new thing" that God wants to continue in my heart gets overlooked, trampled, ignored and rejected. 

Things ought not to be so:

2 Corinthians 5:17

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come:The old has gone, the new is here!

There they are again, those ways and streams..

I  also have a hard time not remembering.  I guess you could call it forgetting. Yes, as much of a fan as I am of positive thinking and life-giving thoughts and words, it's hard for me to forget the former things..to make way for new things, new thoughts. Renewing my mind is vital. Lately, I am reminded of this on an hourly basis.

Romans 12:2

 Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.

I was reading Beth Moore's blog recently, In the Wake of Drought and was further motivated about this. Something she wrote goes a long with what I've been thinking. It was affirmation to me that God continues to work in my heart and mind.:

" The cutting away of the dead is to make room for the living. “I am the true vine, and my Father is the vine dresser. Every branch in me that does not bear fruit He takes away.” That thing we keep beating our bloody fists on is not bearing fruit. It’s taking up space where something else needs planting. Something that needs nurturing. Something that needs exposing to the sun. It’s in the way."

So these thoughts and memories that are not of God, that are of the past, that may bring up some negative feeling in me, they need to be cut away and STAT!   

 I will not forget what has brought me to this point in my life and walk with my God but I will not dwell on the injustices, my failures or those of others, the unanswered questions or the unfortunate situations. I will dwell on the "new thing" He is doing. And I will live, really live.

Philippians 4:8

 Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. 

Time to Flush the Potty

It all begins with this: 

I had someone say they were encouraged by my blog this past weekend. She made a special point to bring it up randomly and that was a blessing to me. Even with the grammatical errors and weird punctuation ( I love commas),,, she was encouraged.  (I will try to be better about editing) See, I have problems with vulnerability, at least the face to face kind. Well, not problems really, I'm just scared of it mostly. Scared of the possible rejection or blank stare I might get in return. So my slight apprehension I had/ have about being real in a blog and not just fun and light-hearted) (see here) was not needed at all!  My enemy likes to OFTEN whisper things like, "you said too much.  Ew! Don't write about that. How weird! Stop over-spiritualizing your life and just be carefree. You don't need to write. You've said too much! You've let too many people in. Don't let anyone know your heart. Quit being so emotional and such a feeler. It's a turn-off"  He comes to seek and destroy. To destroy the parts of me that are authentic. The parts that mean something. The parts that need healing.  

The parts that minister.. I perceive it!  So the next step is to move on.

God is doing something new in this area of my life. Making ways and streams. One of them is this:

I am going through the study So Long Insecurity, you've been a bad friend to us  by Beth Moore.

 I could go on and on about her but I will just say this.  I'm pretty sure she's much like myself or vice versa. And I dont' say that like I am a book-writing prestigious Bible study leader. I mean it like she thinks and feels much of what I think and feel. So often, when I'm reading her stuff, I identify completely with what she's saying and how she says it. It cuts through my exterior and gets to my guts. The parts that need the good stuff. And I really appreciate that! Cheers to Beth for being herself!

I might be blogging about snippets and phrases, concepts and epiphanies that come to me throughout the remainder of this book and study. It's going to rock my world. I can tell. I could just copy the whole chapter here, that's how much the commentary Beth gives ministers to me but I won't. That's silly. Just buy the book and read it! Better yet, find a group of lovely ladies, such as I attend, and experience this book with them. The Truth in it is something to experience with others.

Some things that have ministered to me on a very personal level follow. And though, even now, I hear a loud "no one cares about this post, Missy. It's irrelevant" being shouted in my ear, I will write on. Take that, enemy o' mine!

Here we go:

Nugget #1

"We think insecurity only looks one way- mousy, maybe even inept-and that's not exactly who we see in the mirror.  At least not once the mascara's on.  And it certainly is not the woman we present to the public. Insecurity's best cover is perfectionism.  That's where it becomes an art form."  a.

Truth: everyone has areas that they mascara. Even if they aren't make-up wearers!  Everyone has a major insecurity. And if they say they don't well, that's the art form of the whole deal. Covering it up.  I didn't like this portion because it points out that others have imperfections or self-doubt issues.  I loved it because it made me realize that other women as different as they may look or as different as their way of living may be, are NOT that much different from me. That is worth it's weight in cheesecake to me. It breaks down one of my major walls that hinders authentic friendship, vulnerability and healing.  I am over my own personal insecurities enough (finally) to keep the mascara off (figuratively, of course ;) and throw the facade of perfection out the window while driving at high speeds in the opposite direction. I'm ready for change. Knowing I am not alone is so helpful.

And I'd  like to focus my artistic endeavors  elsewhere.

Nugget #2

This one sounds harsh but it's truth.

She speaks of the self-conscious person here:

"..She is ordinarily more aware of herself that she tends to be of any other person in the room.  Whether she feels inferior or superior, she takes a frequent inventory of her place in the space.  She may like or hate it but she's rarely oblivious to it.  Never think for a moment that pride and self-centeredness have no role in insecurity. Since she keeps confusing her insecurity with humility, however, she never recognizes

the self-centeredness so she can turn from it." b.

Ding! One of the huge things that hinders me from transformation in Jesus Christ is that little itaclized phrase. Never did I think this was the situation for me. I knew I was an extremely situationally aware person, it is in my nature. But that was a palm-slap on the forehead (the I should have had a V-8 kind). 

Consider this my Come- to- Jesus moment in that area. 

I recognize it and I am turning from it.  Hopefully not to come back to it.

Nugget #3

This really struck a nerve (made me nervous) with me because 

I am passionate about my friendships:

"In your pursuit of God-vested security, the only relationships in your life that will suffer rather than improve are the significantly unhealthy ones..Those that are the unhealthier might not even survive at all-and maybe they shouldn't." c.

I'll leave it there. But that could possibly be a hard thing for me.  The change in my life is more important though.

She goes on to talk about women who are consumed with keeping up an appearance physically or emotionally and how  it is exhausting  both to do and to watch.  She asks the question, will it be OK when and if I can't keep up my "stuff" whatever that is? Not with the people we are trying to project towards, but is it ok with ourselves?  It gives an extreme ammount of power to others when we think that way, when only our Maker should possess over us. Our security should be in Him, alone.

So some relationships may suffer some may evaporate . Is this ok with me?  It's going to have to be! God is calling me to something higher than people pleasing, once again.

I'm almost done here.. I keep going through my underlined and noted parts and am really restraining myself from copying the entire book onto this post!  

Nugget #4

"Most..have ..a false-positive: one thing that was think woud make us more secure in all things...Think of a person you believe to be secure and determine what earthly thing he or she has that you don't feel like you possess, at least in matching measure. That's liable to be your false positive." d.

I loved this simple concept. It helps me put a finger (or 4 or 5) on the area(s) in which I do this. I am good at identifying other's false positives and am often ignorant of my own.

Forgive this next part. It's a bit  very poopy. The un-Beth part of me :)  For my friends who are potty training toddlers, you will appreciate this..I think.  So after reading my chapters, I found myself a bit very convicted in multiple areas of my life. Areas I thought I had beat.  And I shut my book feeling beat up. Then, thank you, Lord, the truth-speaking Spirit inside of me won this battle out and spoke to me loud and clear, " you have to know where the smell is coming from before you can really clean up the crap" I was just as surprised as you that the Holy Spirit uses the word "crap", trust me.  But how true!!  I can keep spraying air freshener and walk away saying, "what smell!? I took care of the poop" over and over but the nastiness is going to creep back through the other areas of my life. Until I say, "yep there's poop in my potty" and flush it, the problem and the gross will remain, no matter how expensive the air freshener or how big the match.  I've been guilty of seeing my sin, rationalizing, justifying, having a conversation with a friend who validates me in the area and just letting the crap (sorry, that's what it is) sit in the pot. GROSS! That's how nasty my sin is.  And I am appalled. I have to be disgusted by it to truly be rid of it.  No more putting mascara on my sin and prettiying it up. No More!  I don't know of a single one of us truly feminine creatures would ever save our poop and carry 

it around with us in a rose scented bag. 

So, while precious, delicate Beth Moore didn't say it as such, this is how I related. And I am ready to flush my potty :) I am fearfully and wonderuflly made to do the good works he has prepared for me to do! Time's a wastin'!

This verse comes to mind (more than usual lately!)

For he knows how weak we are; he remembers we are only dust. 

Psalm 103:14

Thank you, Lord for knowing how weak I am in this area and loving me the same.

I am your handiwork, your masterpiece, but my nature is weak and you know my propensity to go back to the gross parts of my life that prevent you from working in me to glorify You. For me to sit in my stench is not at all pretty, it's not becoming. A false humility does not honor you. So I thank you that with you, invading my space, you will once and for all flush all that is not of you out of me.  I invite you to do so now!  I will begin to see myself as you created me. And the aroma of a life that is genuine and is true will reflect a beauty that even the most gifted of artists or designers couldn't fathom of replicating. I am ready to be strong in my identity. I am ready to glorify you only.

I know that there will be days where the struggle is harder, where the fight will be draining.

I am anticipating less of those, and more of the free and transparent days where God, in me!, is glorified and I begin to realize what true security in Him is all about.

I relate with Bob from  What about Bob a lot! 

"Baby steps to the elevator, baby steps to the bus.."

Baby steps ARE steps.

So there it is, another step in vulnerability. 

Another step over insecurity.

And another step towards complete surrender.

Now, go flush your potty !

a.  pg 19 So Long Insecurtiy

b. pg 22-23 So Long Insecurity

c. pg. 26 So Long Insecurity

d. 36-37 So Long Insecurity

I Perceive It

Disclaimer: 

I always think hard about my blogs Once they are written I let them sit for a while..maybe a few hours, maybe a few days or weeks. I never want to offend and usually I think that no one reads them. But then recently I looked at my blog traffic stats and somebody is reading. Unless I have an obsessive 3 followers that check it 40 times a day, I've got traffic! So, I do well to think and pray before posting.  This post was more for me, though. I write often to get things out and if it helps someone relate or encourages, then yay! So if anyone reads this, I hope it helps. It helped me writing what God is showing me. I have proof before my eyes that I am not stagnant, as much as I feel that I might be.  Be encouraged.

I have a theme for this new year. 
It starts and ends with a profound pair of verses in the Old Testament.
While blogs have been written about this (there are many, I've checked and researched more on the concept  I am about to write about...) I think that to each person the context in which these verses will be applied will vary and be appropriate in different seasons. This is what it means to me.


Let me get to it and stop my preluding.

My  2012 theme a.k.a. Isaiah 43 :18-19

 “Forget the former things; 

   do not dwell on the past. 

 See, I am doing a new thing! 

   Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? 

I am making a way in the wilderness 

   and streams in the wasteland. 

Simple enough motivating words for a new year. Out with the bad, and in with the new. God is doing good things and that is that.


Yes, to a logical person, perhaps.
I am anything but logical. I don't even know what that word means. Ha!
OK, I exaggerate but still. I feel. It is my logic. I think, yes a lot actually, but feeling and intuition a.k.a." spirit-speak" is more my language and my guide. I feel deeply and instead of poo-pooing it away as I used to, I now embrace it and let the Holy Spirit use that part of my fearfully, wonderfully made heart to compass me about. I am not saying my emotions are my guide. Those guys are not to be trusted. Especially post-baby. Yikes!


Moving on..


 At first when I read this other person's blog on Isaiah 43, I said "ah-ha! Yes! 2011- It's over. It's done! This next year will be better ( will it??).  I  will look for those ways and streams"  Easy, awesome and that is that.


"But wait!", says my heart, "it's not that simple!"


Just once I would like for my heart to leave well enough alone but, like I mentioned, I will not scorn this part of myself any longer. After my initial "really!? c'mon! I don't want to over think this. It looks pretty and inspiring on my chalk board. Good enough, God!" I began to see deeper into this passage. My heart is feeling. Dangerous! And He is revealing  what ways and streams  are  all about.  Lately, I do believe, we've got the deserts and wastelands part down.


I won't do a long exegesis here but let me explain:


Our 2011 is, as I mentioned to a friend, "the worst year of my life and the best year of my life. I want to forget  most of it and remember all of it." I'm complicated like that.It kind of was a wasteland of sorts. A lovely Oasis named Dahlia amidst it helped us get through. God's timing? Perfect!


Look at other blog posts to be filled in.  In short, strokes, cancer, long, painful, suffering, lingering deaths  of loved ones and a miracle baby all in one year left us bewildered, questioning, thankful, worn out, sad and elated, empty and overwhelmed all at once. Those are pretty intense emotions. All at once, both our eyes and souls were crying.


A verse I cling to often Psalm 61:2,
From the ends of the earth, I cry to you for help when my heart is overwhelmed. Lead me to the towering rock of safety..


SO I did. So He did.
"No more pain! Please no more suffering! Our families serve you, we fear you. What more can we do!?Can 2012 be our safe year, Lord? We understand we don't deserve it but we really would love to experience your mercy in our families. Keep us safe! Safe from hurt and disaster. We don't think we can do this much longer"
And then, these verses, the ones up there  in Isaiah are reminding me of what "safe" is: Ways and Streams.




Safe isn't painlessness it's hurt with God restoring and redeeming.
Safe isn't a year of jubilee, it's a year of famine with miraculous provision.
Safe isn't prosperity and plenty, it's a year with new mercies, as you need them day by day. 
Safe isn't my life. Safe is His life laid down so I will experience new life beyond this place that hurts one day.
Safe isn't happiness. It's joy. 
Safe isn't easy. It's a hard life with God and others helping.


I won't be forgetting the hurt of 2011 but I will be forgetting my old way of thinking of God's provision and the way I think he should be working in my life and in the lives of those I hold so dear.
I am done trying to be safe. It's too hard.


He asks me to SEE. "See I am doing a new thing.."
But my God knows me well, "Do you not perceive it?"
"Uh, no. I don't. I mean, I didn't but now, I think I will."
If I was making a translation of the Bible I would imagine that that portion would read like this:
"Open your eyes, Missy! I am doing what is best for you! Something new just for you. Why can't you see that?"

Often I do not perceive it. Of all the things I perceive (I'm a professionally-diagnosed over-perceiver) I don't often perceive His work. It's what really matters. It's the safe stuff, His work. And I miss it almost always. What do I perceive of that!? Ha!


I'm not being down on myself.
I am not being melancholy.
(Although, one could say instead of Surrender Story this blog could be called The Melancholy Muse!)
I am just being real. And maybe even somewhat logical. Hmm. How 'bout that?
Anyway


I miss his work,

It eludes me.

Or better and more clearly : I choose not to see it.

How could I when my focus is on the wrong things. I thought they were the right things.

Until I got a personal revelation from the Holy Spirit on this, I was clueless. I was completely in danger.

And I thought I was being safe.

No wonder I've been  overwhelmed!

Ha!

This is the wonder and glory of God, that he constantly helps the eyes of my heart to refocus even when I had no clue that I was myopic. How am I this privileged that He, Master of all the Universe, chooses to realign my heart, my mind, and give me hope? He makes ways and streams. Not just figuratively but also, quite literally. He leads me to safety. This time it was by way of much suffering, pain and sadness. But it was Him all along leading me out of the wastelands and deserts.  He led me to safer friendships, is leading me to a better place in my marriage, he's restoring relationships, readjusting heart desires, he's empowering me to "perceive it".  Suffering and Sadness seem to be necessary stops on the journey of a Christ-follower. I am not a believer in the gospel that says love God, and nothing can touch you. Say this verse, and that verse and magically you will be untouchable. Not true. But I do believe that those hard, hard places are just mere layovers, not destinations. My, I'm using LOTS of figurative language today! 

 Truth: He's true to his word. And as well as I might think I know his Word, I often miss it. Then, I read seemingly simple verses and he again, speaks to my heart in the way my heart best receives and starts making ways and streams in my own life, even when I didn't know I needed either. He makes a way by using grace and mercy. They are my way. They are my stream.

I Perceive it!

So what does this mean for anyone else? I don't know.

I know that if a relationship is failing, there are ways and streams that can be made. If you are overwhelmed by poor health, mental or spiritual torment, sadness or grief that it doesn't magically go away but a new thing is about to spring up, so you better perceive it. 

Being stuck isn't an option. Cry out!

Cry out until you are hoarse. Don't be OK with your version of safe. 

Cry out from your desert and be led out of the wasteland.

Breaking free from bondage is rough.

Breaking free from hurt hurts.

Choosing to let go of injustice is hard. Choosing to let go and not know a reason is not easy.

But by doing so, He does a new thing. It springs up. Right now!

Perceive it. 

Suffering and understanding

The last year has been ...well, interesting to say the least.

A year ago October 5th, my mother in law had a minor heart attack. Early the next morning, she suffered 3 consecutive strokes. She remained on life support for some time, was unresponsive and was expected to die. In fact, we had the conversation with the doctor to take her off of life support, or as they call it "withdraw care". That's supposed to make it sound not so final and harsh, I suppose. She pulled through. By the mercy of God and with the help of hundreds of prayer warriors across the country, she lived. She went to rehab, an extended care facility and this spring, she came home.  It's been a long, difficult transition for the family. Especially for my father in law and my twelve year old sister in law. But God continues to aid in her improvement and everyone is adjusting But still, it's rough.

Then I found out on December 20th that our 22 months of trying to conceive had finally worked! Another act of God that was a perfectly timed miracle and sustainer. You know, I'm so glad that he chose to give us Dahlia when he did. She's been a big upper for us this year in the midst of some weird, unwelcomed situations.

Behold, God is my helper; 

                                                 The Lord is the sustainer of my soul. 

Psalm 54:4

In January I lost one of my grandfathers. He was 96.  He suffered a stroke and was in very poor condition for a couple of months. Watching my dad care for him in this sad state was humbling. Feeding him baby food, preparing his meals in a blender, helping him to the bathroom and waking up at all hours to care for him. It was a great exaple of how we are to care for one another, espeically our family. Devastating and humbling.

This spring, my father (my parents divorced when I was 2) told me that he had brain cancer. Little did we know it was the fastest most agressive type of brain cancer. And since his diagnosis he has had multiple episodes of extreme pain, ICU visits, falls, breaks and overall weakness and deterioration. He's in his 50's. It doesn't quite seem right. While our relationship isn't the typical father-daughter relationship, I feel this situation deeply. Something about a parent, the person who gave you life, suffering is very hard to watch.  This past weekend we saw him at my brother's wedding. My step-mom got him from the rehab. He was wheeled down the aisle in his wheel chair. He didn't make it long becuase he was tired and in pain but he made it.  What a bittersweet celebration. He was able to watch his son get married. They were going to get married next year but because of the situation, the moved the date up and were able to celebrate their day with the entire family. He got to meet my daughter for the first time. He just kept kissing her head, calling her "shuggie-toes" and asking to look at her. He kept saying how much he loved us over and over and over. Like it would be the last time..

Last week the world lost one of its sweetest men, my grandpa John. This is my mom's dad. He was diagnosed with lymphatic cancer, source unknown, in the spring. After suddenlhy losing his voice and feeling "icky" he went to the doctor. After a long line of mulitple doctor visits a doctor found the cause, a paralyzed voice box due to cancerous masses pushing up on them. He was given the diagnosis on August 26th and on October 3rd he went home to be with the Lord. He suffered. He really suffered.  I saw him 2 weeks before he died and he had deteriorated significantly since the last time I had saw him.  2 weeks later and another visit, I could barely recognize him. He still knew me and called me "beautiful one" when I first got there. But by the end of the visist, he wasn't respoding.  I've never seen suffering like this and I hope I never do again.

I don't understand suffering. I know it's  essential to this life unfortunately. I don't understand the concept of "when it rains, it pours". But I know it to be true. I don't get it. But I know it serves a purpose.

I know to trust in the Lord with all of my heart and not to lean on my understanding. Which is good, because I don't understand.

I'm just a secondary sufferer in all of this. And, as I mentioned, I got a major answer to prayer in the meantime which has been my great sustainer through all of this. I'm not wallowing in sorrow here, I'm just being real with how much it hurts to watch family members suffer. To lose. To not know what the next year will be like. To not be their former selves ever again. It's hard to suffer the loss of a dear one. It's hard to watch your parents suffer the death of their own parents and it makes me not ever want to grow up and watch my parents grow old. It's hard to start the mourning process for someone you know will soon be gone but never knowing when it willl be. It's hard to not only morn a physical death but to mourn the relationship that "should have been" with a parent.

It hurts to watch a 12 year old girl missing her mother that used to be. 

We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying in the body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our bodies. For we who live are always being given over to death for Jesus' sake, so that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our mortal flesh.

2 Corinthians 4:8-11

So, I don't understand. And I hurt.

I hurt for the dying. I hurt for the living.

I am reminded how fragile life is not only with all these ailing people but in the tininess and helplessness of my daughter. I am reminded how we are to care for one another at all times, no matter how old we are or where we are in life. No matter how convenient or inconvenient it may be for us.

 It is of the LORD's mercies that we are not consumed, because his compassions fail not.

 They are new every morning: great is thy faithfulness. 

Lamentations 3:22-23

I understand that through one man's suffering the world was made new.

So again, I am reminded that sacrifice of comfort and understanding helps point to the One who restores and heals. We are refined and renewed by this process of suffering and pain. He brings comfort and understanding. But we have to go through it to get to that point, I think.

If you have time watch the sermon excerpt from John Piper that I've posted below.. it gives good perspective on this topic. It speaks to spiritual and physical suffering.

I've watched it and I understand what he is saying.

But I still don't really understand.

But I am praying about that.

I'm also praying for a "better" year for our families in 2012. I'm praying that my daughter is healthy, happy and "normal". BUT I realize we are not entitled to those things. But with His grace, whatever may happen in the coming months, we may not understand but we will be sustained.

Upside-down Joy

I've been thinking lately of how some of the most joyful people I know have seemed to either be coming out of a period of great suffering or are, even more amazingly, in the midst of some great suffering.   Of course, after you have been through a season of hurt, of debasement, of sadness or loss, anything would be better. Any little glimmer would seem like "joy". Not happiness. Joy. But those who are joyful in spite of  their location in life's storms, whether they are just beginning or whether they are in the midst of a real down-pour that shows no sign of letting up, THOSE are the people I am constantly amazed by. I am inspired. I am confused! Because no matter how much I want to say "oh yes, I know what it is to have suffered loss or seasons of extreme sadness and next time, I will show what I have learned by an increase in faith and in joy!", I doubt I will. I hope I will but I doubt that I will have "arrived" in the area of joy in all things (James 2:1-4). I pray I show myself more mature but not for the sake of being better, for the sake of being a renewed creature.
I am not being a Debbie Downer here. I am just being honest. Joy is not my default...YET.
It's something I am asking the Lord to work out in me.


So as I am having all of these introspective thoughts on joy, I picked up my copy of One Thousand Gifts last night. I couldn't sleep. The reason for no sleep? One of my sources of greatest joy, this baby in my belly. Ironic. And I think God was just choosing to reveal himself in my "season of sleeplessness" Ha!  Anyway. I have maybe 40 pages to complete in this book and this is what I read when I resumed reading last night. I hope you are inspired to joyfulness, to take a hard look at your sources of joy and gain a clearer redirected perspective on God's real gifts. The joy of the Lord comes when we lose our rights, our safety, our clarity and our status. To be thankful BEFORE something "bad" happens. To live in a thankful, joyful manner. Live surprised:

Ann writes:

" Is it only when our lives are emptied that we're surprised by how truly full our lives were? Instead of filling with expectations, the joy-filled expect nothing- and are filled. This breath! This oak tree! This daisy! This work! This sky! These people! This place, This day! Surprise! C.S. Lewis said he was "surprised by joy".  Perhaps there is no other way to discover joy but as surprise. The way the small live. Every day. Yes, the small even have a biblical nomenclature, Doesn't God call them humble? The humble live surprised. The humble live by joy.. Jesus whispers to the surprised, "God blesses those who are humble, for they will inherit the whole earth" (Matthew 5:5) The humble are laid-low bowed ones, the surprised ones with hands open to receive whatever He gives..

..In the upside-down kingdom of heaven, down is up and up is down, and those who want to ascend higher must descend lower and so "anyone who becomes as humble as this little child is the greatest in the Kingdom of Heaven" (Matthew 18:4)."

"I used to think that God's gifts were on shelves one above the other, and that the taller we grew in Christian character the easier we should reach them. I find now that God's gifts are on shelves on beneath the other, and that it is not a questions of growing taller but of stooping lower, and that we have to go down, always down to get His best gifts." -F. B. Meyer

"To receive God's gifts, to live exalted and joy filled, isn't a function of straining higher, harder, doing more, carrying long the burdens of the super-Pharisees or ultra-saints. Receiving God's gifts is a gentle, simple, movement of stooping lower."*

*{excerpts taken from One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp; pp. 170-171}

over ME!

I like all the" you's" in this. 

Thank you, Lord.

Readjusting

Readjusting  present participle of re·ad·just (Verb)

1. Set or adjust (something) again: "I readjusted the rear-view mirror".

2. Adjust or adapt to a changed environment or situation: "she wondered if she could ever become readjusted to this sort of life".

This is what I am doing lately. In every possible area of life. You name it, and that area is being shaken AND stirred. I am neither shaken nor stirred but am kind of sitting back and watching this all happen and am quite ok with it all...I think (which is out of character).  Watching how God, in his divinity, just works...simply, complexly, naturally and perfectly, it's weird, really. Amazing. Consistent. 

Always surprising to me, though!

To my right, as I type, is my framed wedding invitation which reads this common and simple yet profound verse from Ecclesiastes:

To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven.

Ecclesiastes 3:1

 

So. Ready or not, the change is coming. It comes with a purpose. 
Entering new seasons and  letting the old seasons go.

Sometimes the letting go comes with reluctance even though the new season is equally as 
awesome and God ordained. 


Most of the time I hear people say  "this season" in a negative sense. Like the bitter, cold winter that seems like it will never end. And to be honest, usually when I use that Christianese terminology, I  use it in that context too. But now, I see that the season that is passing away and the one that is coming to pass aren't polar opposites, but rather just edited continuations of blessing. That's what's surprising me here.
It does not surprise me that God is good.
It does not surprise me that God is consistent.
I don't know what I am surprised at really.
I just find myself surprised.


It's as simple as this:


God's just readjusting my life, my seasons.

The seasons look the same but that familiar feeling of transition is present and undeniable.

{un}fortunately (I haven't decided which yet) these changes aren't as predictable likes nature's are.
I look forward and I see great possibilities.
And as I  "readjust the review mirror",
I look back and see some amazing blessings.

I am not leaving them behind, they are just following me now. Closely.

He readjusts my perspective.

And maybe I will  "wonder if I can ever readjust to this sort of life"  from time to time.
Who knows.
What I do know is this:
As long as my life has been readjusted: "set, adapted or changed"  by my God,
then there is a purpose. A divine one.
I can rest in it.
I can move joyfully into this new "sort of life".


I will joyfully readjust.